The Soulmate Diary: Terrified of love?

 

I went to a party last weekend and as I was observing the dance between my girlfriends and few men interested in them, I found it fascinating to realize that even although many women claim that we want to meet someone, mostly we are afraid of the vulnerability, openness and surrender that come with a deep connection with another human being. We claim we desire love but often we act out of fear.

Last summer, I came to realize how much I have been terrified of love when I connected to my first love, Stephane. We were in the same school. His best friend was dating my childhood friend and neighbor. So we spent quiet a lot of time together.

An awkward dance

I fell in love with him instantly; his awkwardness, his deep eyes and his shyness spoke to my heart. The thing is: we were both shy and unsure. We spent almost a year dancing around each other, playing truth and dare for stolen kisses and half-truths.

Why? First, I wasn’t really showing my cards because I thought it was a player and he had too many girls around you. I didn’t want to be just one amongst others. Also, I couldn’t figure out if he was really into me or if I was just another girl on his list. In doubt I acted a bit indifferent. Although, he was the only one occupying my thoughts, I kept a reasonable distance between us.

One day, he did offer to go my house (we were always at my friend’s). We went to my place and he started making some moves on me softly. Trying to kiss me. I was hesitating between cheer excitement and confused indignation.

Finally it was happening!!!!

But, wait a minute… I wasn’t going to be “just another one” I was special after all!

So when he finally gathered his courage and asked me out, that afternoon, I said “No”.

In my head, I had a great plan, he would ask me out 3 times before I say “yes’. If he really really really liked me, he would certainly do it.

My Preventive Closure strategy

Now, 20 years later, I have realized, this was just a strategy for me to stay safe and avoid being hurt or betrayed. Almost 15 years after, we talked, we shared about how we felt about each other and how shy we were. And I was reconnecting with him, he became so clear to me, I became aware of a systematic strategy I have implemented, I call it: Preventive Closure. When I felt a deep connection with a man, I often found a way to disqualify him, to make him wrong and not “ready for me”.

Why did I decide to believe he was a player? Why did I decide to listen to gossips while this kid kept coming with his friend and dancing around me? Deep down, I knew how he felt about me, but it was easier to label him as a player, a good excuse not to open up.
Truth is those rules, barriers and conditions, I had created around love, all the assumptions I have made about the men I fell in love with, were often excuses to hide, to close, to avoid vulnerability and the possibility of betrayal.

It’s important for a woman to have standards and know what she deserves and desires, the question is what’s the emotion triggering your reaction: FEAR OR LOVE? It\’s a fine line. And a huge one…

Are we putting up healthy boundaries or are we terrified of love?

Stephane will always have a special place in my heart. Because it was my first love but also because when he reconnected with me, he openly shared how it felt about me. His honesty and vulnerability came at a point when I was ready to face my demons and realize that the only thing between me and true love was actually my own demons.

So do you have a preventive closure strategy? Are you truly open to love or FEAR running the show most of the time?